A Reflection on Friendship

What does it mean to be a good friend?

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Ever since I was young, I have never had the fortune to have a singular and special friend, conventionally known as a “best friend.” There has never been an “X and Mtho” anywhere; a Timon and Pumba; a [insert your favourite known friendship here]. Some people have had that privilege to have a best friend, and fewer people have had the privilege of a life-long best friend. For me, every single time I had a close friend, they had a closer best friend. Albeit, I still have had a lot of people I regarded as my best friends, and I have had many special relationships. The main reason for my lack of a Timon to my Pumba was that I moved a lot as a person, and I am still moving. I have never really belonged to a place, or a person. In addition, I lost both of my parents when I was very young, and I was an only child. So, I do not have siblings, a “home,” or a singular place “where I grew up,” and most of the time a singular place “where I stay.” I can go for days without talking in person to anyone in general, and long months without talking to anyone related to me by blood in person or anywhere really¹. So, naturally, because I am a life-long physical and psychological nomad, I never really make a close singular and special connection with anyone. And that has given me immense privilege, joy, and gratitude, because I have had the pleasure of meeting a lot more people than an average person, and having hundreds of people calling me a friend. And I have had the pleasure of calling over a hundred people friend. Because of this, I have become a keen observer of society, social relations, and social cues.

Recently, I have been reflecting deeply on what exactly a friend is — and, more importantly, what a good friend is.

So, for the purposes of this article, I will define what a friend is and how you make them thus: a “friend” is a neutral term that refers to people who are constantly close to each other and know each other at a higher level of awareness (beyond physical features and self/other reported demographic information) due to proximity (living in the same place, working in the same place, worshipping in the same place) and have developed at least mildly mutually stimulating similar interests (e.g. drinking, sports, gossip, creative pursuits, worshipping, eating, hiking, reading).

In a moral (and child-like innocence) sense, a friend is someone whom you love and they love you, and they share the same interests as you. And this person will protect you and cheer you on. But in reality, in the induction sense of the term, a friend is someone who you know and are in constant contact (not necessarily communication). There is a bad friend (not necessarily an enemy) and a good friend. Which means you can be friends with someone (know them at a higher level and develop mildly mutually stimulating shared interests and activities), and that form of relationship still be a bad one.

In his first letter to the Church in Corinth, Paul writes:

“Do not be misled, bad company corrupts good character.”
— 1 Corinthians 15:33 | The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV)

Here is the real context of this verse: Chapter 15 of the first letter to the Corinthians is an exhortation of faith to the Church in Corinth. It reaffirms the doctrine of life, death, and importantly the resurrection of Jesus Christ through baptism, which is symbolic of dying from the mortal ego to the resurrection to the new life in Christ and the hope of the shared resurrection at the end of this time. In the chapter, Paul starts by affirming the faith and then admonishes and refutes the heresy of those who are now putting doubt to the resurrection of Christ. And then, when he gets to this verse, he warns them not to listen or associate themselves with the ones that are now spreading and/or believing the rumours and gossip that Christ was never risen. Therefore, bad company is synonymous with “evil communications” that Christ was never risen. That is the proper context of this verse.

However, notwithstanding its proper context, I would like us to use the verse liberally, as done in modern translations such as the Contemporary English Version: “Don’t fool yourselves. Bad friends will destroy you.” If we follow the old scriptural wisdom not to fool ourselves and not to associate with “bad friends,” we must ask: what is a bad friend? And to understand a bad friend, we must identify what a good friend is, and then deduce the qualities of a bad friend through antithesis.

This essay has been at the back of my mind for a long time. While thinking and meditating on it, one quality remained consistent every time I asked myself what I valued most in a good friend. If you had asked a younger me, I would have said something like loyalty, humility, love, respect, intelligence, availability, generosity, or sense of humour. These are fantastic qualities, but I do not think they are the most important.

The most important quality I think a good friend should have is accountability.

And I will explain why. I think the word accountability seems very serious, scary, and boring (in an adult-boring type of way). Even the jobs tied to it are generally boring… accountant, quality manager, foreman [you might as well insert a sleepy emoji here]. However, I see accountability in two ways: being countable/counted on and being accountable.

Being countable means being relied on and trusted to be there for a friend when they need it, or as some put it, when sh*t hits the fan². Whereas, being accountable means, you can accurately take stock of your actions, presence and absence, and report truthfully your actions to yourself and to others. Being able to audit and report yourself to yourself and others.

I think most of us already know what being able to be relied on means. Therefore, let us focus on what it means to be accountable.

I would like to suggest to you that being accountable means generally five things: having clarity of thought/based in reality (not delusional), having standards, taking action/agency, (internal and external) inspection with transparency and communication, and lastly, good faith. I think these five things are what we mean by accountable.

A good friend is the one whose relationship with you is based on reality that is based on truth and not delusions or hopes and dreams. For example, you can be friends with someone trying to recruit you into a cult or some multilevel marketing thing. However, reality tells us that joining a closed manipulative group or a pyramid scheme is not based on clear thinking. The world is not “sheeple”, and redpill isn’t the answer, and you will not become rich from a multilevel marketing scheme because it is logistically and empirically unsustainable³.

So, a good friend is the one whose worldview is based on current reality, not hopes, or dreams, or a mythical future. So, it means that people who love you only because you have the same religious beliefs are not necessarily good friends. Or people who are friends with you because they/you think they/you are important (or trendy or beautiful/handsome), or will be important in the future, are not good friends. A good friend is the one whose worldview is clear and based on current reality. An auditor only audits objective reality. To be accountable, you need clear clarity of thought.

Secondly, to be accountable, there need to be standards, rules, or values to hold you to account. A good friend needs to have good standards that they have set and are willing to check on a regular basis if they live up to them. A code. This does not mean someone needs to be perfect. On the contrary, it means that they need to know what the right thing is to do and try to live up to that standard. If one does not develop their own code, the world will give you its own standards. A street code. So, a good friend is the one with good standards. Good standards are self-given rules that can help a person reach a positive outcome in life, such as love, generosity, respect, sacrifice, loyalty, gratitude, hard work, truthfulness, and honesty.

Thirdly, to be accountable means one needs to take actions and be fully responsible for them. As a cashier at a shop, you cannot be evaluated on logistics, admin, and strategy. This is because you are not responsible for those actions. Therefore, to be accountable means taking actions that are in line with the standards you have set. If you have put the standard of honesty for yourself, now you have to be honest in your dealings. If you have put the standard of hard work, now you have to take action and not slack. And so forth. So, a good friend is the one who takes actions that align with good standards, e.g. being on time, telling the truth, sharing resources, etc.

Fourthly, being accountable means having introspection about your intentions, actions, and outcomes of your actions towards situations and other people. In addition, being transparent about those intentions, actions, and outcomes. And most importantly, being able to communicate that to yourself and others. One needs to be able to evaluate an ended relationship and acknowledge the things that they did that led to the breakdown of that relationship, and they need to be able to tell that to themselves and others. Otherwise, if you are not transparent, you become a person who constantly lies to themselves and others.

One of my good friends, Thomas Mbiba, puts it this way on his Threads account:

“And such is the nature of sin: to hide. It hates the light and exposure. It does not want to be seen; it does not want to be told. It shies away from transparency and accountability… the only way sin can die is exposure through light.”

Therefore, a good friend is the one who constantly evaluates their thoughts and actions, takes accountability for them, and communicates with those whom they have affected. You do not want a friend who will shield you from the truth of your own actions, or lie about their own actions, or gaslight you when they have wronged themselves, you, or others.

Fifth and last, being accountable means operating in good faith. Good faith means that what one is doing is not done with any ulterior motivations. Having good intentions. Generally, you want someone who wishes you well (positive intent) and will use their influence/knowledge/position to help you grow even/especially without you knowing about it (positive action), and someone who will speak well and defend your character in spaces where they discuss you (positive testimony). Therefore, a good friend is the one who means well for you and wants to see you do well. You would never accept the work of an auditor or accountant that despises you. Therefore, you can’t be accountable if it is coming from a bad place.

Therefore, a friend is someone who you are close to and contact each other frequently. Being a good friend means being accountable. And to be accountable means being grounded in truth without being muddled in fringe theories, harmful spiritual beliefs, conspiracies, negative worldview, and negative psychological dispositions (e.g. paranoia, keeping up with the Joneses, misogyny, misandry, racism, and tribalism). Being accountable means setting up good, healthy, and sustainable standards and following them. Respect is a standard. Punctuality is a standard. Gratitude over complaints is a standard. Love is a standard. Being accountable means having standards. Also, being accountable means having agency, taking actions that align and express your standards, and being fully responsible for them. Being accountable means being transparent and honest about your actions without deflecting blame or lying about your situation. And lastly, being accountable means having good intentions.

I think it is clear why accountability is the primary quality I think a good friend should have.

So then, what are the qualities of a bad friend? I think from this framework, a bad friend is someone who is close to you, you know them beyond surface level, you do mildly mutually stimulating interests and activities together, but they cannot be counted on and they are not willing to be accountable to you. I think this is a clear answer, and you can go back to the essay to reflect on the inverse of the qualities of being accountable. However, what is more important is to take heed to Paul’s warning: bad friends will destroy your character.

So, who is your friend? Everyone close to you, whom you know beyond surface level, and whom you have shared interests and activities.

And the first friend you have is yourself. I know we were all reading imagining, “do people I call good/bad friends fit these criteria?” But this is about you being a friend to you. And after that, it is about you being a friend to others.

Most of us see friendship as things done to us: friends remembering our birthdays, bringing us our favourite food, listening to our favourite song, sending us money on our dark days, and giving us relationship advice. However, that is the perspective of someone who sees themselves superior to others. You cannot control what your friends do to you.

But being a good friend is you being a good friend to yourself and others: remembering your friends’ birthdays, bringing them their favourite food, listening to their favourite song, sending them money on their dark days, and giving them relationship advice to go through new relationships, turbulent waters, and breakups.

What does this mean then? It means be aware of all your friends, and then know which ones good and which ones are bad. And then gravitate towards friends who are good and avoid “bad company.”

And importantly, ask yourself this:

Am I a good friend to myself?

Am I a good friend to others?

And are the people I call my friends good to me?

I hope this helped,

Your friend,

Mtho.

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Footnotes

1. Except for my special cousin sister (it’s just sister in our culture, the “cousin” is being extra).

2. One of my favourite definitions of friendship is the one that says, “a friend is the person who is walking in when everyone is walking out.”

3. If we were to put every single person in the world into a pyramid scheme, it would only have 13 levels maximum. And there wouldn’t be any four “friends” to put under you.